Nobody hands you a script. One week you're talking to your mother the way you always have, and the next you're weighing every sentence in case it lands wrong. Conversation gets careful. Then it gets short. Then visits become about the practical things — tablets, appointments, whether the heating is on — because those are the only things anyone still knows how to say.
This is a short, practical guide to getting the conversation back. There's a free large-print printable at the end with twenty questions you can keep on the kitchen table.
Why the usual questions stop working
In many forms of dementia, short-term memory is affected long before long-term memory. That means "What did you have for lunch?" is one of the hardest questions you can ask — it reaches for exactly the thing that isn't there. "What was your first job?" reaches for something that often still is.
So the single most useful change you can make is this: ask about then, not now.
Four things to stop saying
"Don't you remember?"
It's rarely meant unkindly. But it turns the conversation into a test, and the person already knows they're failing it. Replace it with the information itself: "That was the summer we went to Lorne."
"I just told you."
Understandable on the fourth repetition of the same question, and it changes nothing except how they feel. Answer again, in the same tone. The question is usually about reassurance, not information.
"No, that's not right."
If the year is wrong, or their sister is alive in the story, ask yourself what correcting it actually buys. Being right matters much less than being together. Follow the feeling, not the fact.
"What did you do today?"
Open-ended and anchored in short-term memory — the worst combination. Try "Has it been a good day?" instead, which asks for a feeling and can always be answered.
Twenty questions that tend to work
Grouped, so you can find one quickly.
Start with the ordinary
- What was your street like when you were small?
- Who lived next door? What were they like?
- What did this house smell like on a Sunday?
Work and days
- What was your first job? What did they pay you?
- What were you good at that nobody knew about?
- Who taught you the most at work?
Music and food
- What song takes you straight back?
- What did your mother cook that you still think about?
- Was there a dance you knew all the steps to?
People
- How did you meet?
- Who made you laugh the hardest?
- Who do you miss today?
Places
- Where did you go when you wanted to be alone?
- What was the best holiday you ever had?
- Which place felt most like home?
Feelings, gently
- What's been the best part of today?
- Is there anything worrying you right now?
- What would make tomorrow a good day?
When words are hard
- Would you like to just sit together for a bit?
- Shall I put the kettle on and we'll see how we go?
How to ask them
One at a time. Ask, then wait. Silence is not a failure — it's thinking time. Count to ten before you fill it.
Use the senses. A photograph, a song, a smell, a familiar object placed in their hands will often open a door that a question cannot. If you have one thing to bring, bring music from when they were between fifteen and twenty-five.
Stop while it's going well. Ten good minutes beats an hour of effort. Leaving on a high note is what makes the next visit easier — for both of you.
Write down what they tell you
This is the part people regret skipping. Stories change, and then they go. Five minutes in the car afterwards, writing down what they said, gives you something no photograph does — and it gives the next carer, the next sibling, the next GP a picture of the person rather than the condition.
Our Dementia Care Journal has life-story and "about me" pages alongside the daily record for exactly this reason, and the Senior Care Binder keeps it all in one place. Both are large print and undated, so you print them as often as you need.
The free printable
All twenty questions, the six things that help, and a page to write down what they told you — five pages, large print, free, no email required.
Download the free conversation pack
If you need more than a conversation
Dementia Australia's National Dementia Helpline is free, confidential and open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, on 1800 100 500. They'll talk to anyone — the person living with dementia, family, friends, carers — and you don't need a diagnosis to call.
This article is general information and a personal record-keeping aid. It is not medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.